Sunlights and Shadows

Another day is dawning, the sunlight slowly bathed

The floors and walls of this tiny and serene space

I slowly opened my eyes covered with yellow haze

And slowly tilted my head towards the light of day

I have always feared the sun because of its radiance

The warmth it brings causes me to tremble

I shiver all over, causing my crown to slowly crumble

As I often bow down, it falls down one by one

In the middle of the day, a shadow blocked the sun

I would usually savor the occasional privilege

Of resting in the shade just for a change

To lift up my head without anyone knowing

The shadow stayed at the door for a while

Then it slowly moved from one pot to another

Gazing at the hues, taking in each color

Or maybe looking for something beyond what is seen

It slowly went towards me as I was at the end

I was the last among this line of colors in this place

And I did my best to make it my sacred space

It went towards me until I was staring at it face-to-face

For the first time, someone took notice of me

Even if I am all shrouded in the shadow

I cannot help but be amazed by it. How?

How did it see the frail and elusive me?

It kneeled slowly, reaching towards my crown

Each remaining petal it caressed, smoothing every wrinkle

Its breath would cause me to gently tingle

I wonder if this is what it feels like to be cared

Finally, it stood up and declared to all

“This one I shall take for whatever it is

I will always straighten up what might be amiss

It will never shed a crown under my care.”

Night time would come soon and it will leave

I thought under its care I will always be?

It then slowly faded away from me

While gazing at every other color in front of me

So I slowly lowered my head and trembled with fear

Sadness, anger, and anxiety overwhelmed me

It was just another shadow that will eventually flee

After it made you hope and dream and be

I gave up on hoping that someday I will be

As radiant as the flowers that are on display

I slowly shook my head and sighed to say

“Maybe I will never see the light of day again”

Another day is dawning, the sunlight slowly bathed

The floors and walls of this tiny and serene space

I slowly opened my eyes covered with yellow haze

And slowly tilted my head towards the light of day

No shadow was in sight that day

I finally realized that I indeed needed it

That he was a presence that I would deem

Necessary as the sun, even for a while each day

The sun is slowly setting and I slowly bowed

No, the shadow never showed up inside

I shook my head, shedding my crown, as I tried

To hold on to the one and only petal that I have

“You are most beautiful when you face

The sun in its most glorious bathing of yellow

That makes you lift your head and finally show

Your smile that makes the whole place better.”

This shadow was behind me all along

Letting me remember what I was really made for

The bright sun is what makes me a sunflower

And I will bask on its warmth with the shadow on my side.

___________________

-era.janeru

written: 05sept2016

given a new meaning: 18nov2016

picture taken from https://www.google.com.ph/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwikpPHWyLLQAhUIKpQKHaVXDP8QjRwIBw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Fpin%2F187392034467839816%2F&bvm=bv.139250283,d.dGo&psig=AFQjCNEzHtSR6pMb1SUiAu9T6IiohtndJw&ust=1479567521793653

Breaking the 3-month Rule

“Bes, bawal pa mag-move on! Wala pang 3 months!”

l’m not sure how this unspoken rule came to be.

I just came from a very painful break-up (Woah. I’m actually writing about this!). I was afraid to show others that I am hurting. I tend to be a very introspective person, to the point that I just keep everything inside of me. Every time my (then) boyfriend would argue, I did my best to cover up my puffy eyes and red nose. My make-up skills were put to the test during these times, but the cover-up never worked with Mama. She always (ALWAYS!!!) knows when I cry! I dodged her questions such as. “Umiyak ka ba? Anong nangyari sa’yo? (Did you cry? What happened to you?).” Until there came a time that I can’t keep it anymore.

l felt so broken. I was hurting. Mama finally saw how I cry without any inhibition, and I felt that it hurts her as much as it hurts me. I also told Papa about my struggles and fears regarding my relationship. My close friends knew about it and they were very surprised (so much for me being a close friend…). It was a roller coaster of emotions. 

God taught me that there is a time for sorrow, that it is alright to cry. I remember how most of the Psalms are about lamenting and pouring out your heart to God. I was also challenged by mature Christians, including Mama and Papa, to be kind while being sorrowful. In this test of kindness, l actually had lapses. I messaged my ex some unkind words out of anger. It was hard to pray that I will be silent, as silent as the still waters of Psalm 23. Every time I see my ex, the temptation to lash out was so strong that I had to literally run away from him. At the end of the day, I run to the arms of my Father, crying like a child.

In the midst of the tempest, I found a quiet place. I learned how to rest in the arms of my heavenly Father. l acknowledged my mistakes and poured out my heart to Him. I thank Jesus because He exemplified this trait when He was being captured in the Garden of Gethsemane.  I realized that it is hard, but not impossible.

“To err is human, to forgive is divine.” -Alexander Pope

For me, moving on is also divine. There is no such thing as moving on without real forgiveness. Our pastor once gave a sermon about forgiveness. He said, “Forgiveness can be done even without reconciliation.” It was ground breaking for me. Finally, I let go of him. I let go of the hate, the regrets, and the what-ifs. In the midst of letting go, I still ask God that I will be kind to those who will comment unkindly to me. 3 days short before the 3-month mark. I was finally able to move forward.

Things I learned from this experience:

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3: 11 (NIV)

  1. God’s timeline is different from ours. It doesn’t matter if it takes you 3 months or a year to move on, as long as you are sensitive to the will of the Lord. His will is for us to be kind, loving, forgiving, patient, etc. (Fruit of the Spirit!). Do not rely on the timeline that this world gives you especially if you acknowledge that God is the Author of Time. On the other hand, don’t move on too quickly, moreso if it is out of anger and retaliation. 
  2. Give yourself time to grieve. It’s alright to cry and pour out your sorrows to God. Jesus knew what it feels like to lose someone you love (Lazarus). Breaking up is somehow similar to losing a person to death.
  3. It is God’s will for us to forgive! There is no shortcut for this one! We cannot pray about the contrary. Don’t forget, this is only possible by the grace of God.
  4. Share your sorrows and thoughts to reliable friends. By reliable friends, I mean those who can keep a secret, listen well, give you sound and godly advice, and rebuke you if needed. Looking back to my times of grief, I thank and praise God for the church. My church-mates and a few close friends really took the time to talk to and pray for me. Experiencing this encouraged me greatly to be a reliable friend as well.
  5. Always go back to praising God. It is alright to cry and to voice out frustrations to God, but it shouldn’t end there. We should praise and thank God that He remains faithful even though we are not. Again, it is not easy, but by the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, we can.

Thank you for taking the time to read this entry. I hope it will encourage you or move you to encourage someone who is hurting. God bless!

Why Spilled Ink

At first, I wasn’t too sure why I named my blog “Spilled Ink”. I really love to write. I love pens. I am currently into calligraphy and lettering. In other words, I adore ink.

However, I realized that I wanted this blog to be more than just a venue to publish random thoughts, ideas, and feelings. “Spilled Ink” will talk about me being a mere vessel of God’s overflowing love and grace. Just like a pen nib without ink, I have no purpose without my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. But, why spilled?

Every month, I will publish an entry or two. It can be anything about the following topics:

  1. Reflections of God’s Word
  2. Teaching (CA, FEBIAS, private lessons)
  3. Studies (UP)
  4. Church ministry (Worship, Youth)
  5. Lettering
  6. Original Works (Songs, Poems, Short stories, Videos, etc.)
  7. Traveling and (Mis)adventures
  8. Griefs, Rants, and Disappointments
  9. Other things worth blogging about

With these topics, my goal is to let God spill all over this blog. Whether I’m rejoicing or grieving, I would say that God is good all the time. This is my way of guarding my mind, my heart, and my speech. I would like to hold myself accountable. Having said that, if you are reading this post, it would be my pleasure if you hold me accountable of my future entries. Don’t hesitate to call out my attention if I’m drifting away from my goal. Of course, I would also appreciate if you let me know your own thoughts about my entries.

To end this introductory post, I would like to leave you with a verse that talks about the “Spilled Ink” that overflows from God, the Source of joy, hope, and peace.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 5:13 (ESV)

-Ara